Russian Mail-Order Brides Do Not Exist
She was walking slowly through the crowd and offering homemade appetizers to the house-guests; it was only her fourth month in the United States. She had come from Russia: a humble and naive girl who met her husband on-line. They had been corresponding with each other for about a year. Then, Mr. Right arrived in her remote Russian town and proposed to her. In one year, the matrimonial dream of young lovers came true. Her husband had organized this elegant cocktail party for her, so she could meet his envious friends, and get to know the family better. But she felt out of place in this bridal-show. She unintentionally over-heard a conversation between two invited women. Even with her poor English, she could understand that they were talking about her.
“She is cute,” one woman's voice said, “ I wonder, how much he paid for her?”
After malicious giggling another voice added, “I bet in few years she will dump my silly brother for someone younger. I know from the newspapers those mail-order brides are like sharks; they just want to escape from their pitiful countries.”
These words were ringing in her ears with mocking laughter and an unknown stigma kindled a flame of fury. This story happened to one of my friends who, like me, came to the United States on a fiancee visa. I had never heard the term “mail-order bride” until I moved to America. The liberal media loves this term, because with the term like this they can associate all negativism towards women from traditional cultures. This is something that they do constantly. I disagree with the scandalous Russian mail-order bride stereotype built by the liberal media.
My research about mail-order brides led me to the ninth century. The first wave of settlers came to the West Coast in the mid-eighteen hundreds. Western land was rich and cheaper than eastern, and there were new, endless possibilities. But there was a major problem at that time: the majority of men versus women. “Men from the Eastern states, Canada and Europe often preceded the women, and then found themselves longing for feminine companionship” (Yalom 226). This problem was not simple to deal with. Some men traveled east and brought back a wife. Others were meeting brides through matrimonial newspapers. The idea of mail-order brides was controversial and was taken badly by the public. The reasons for this marriage were not romantic. Western men needed wives to become eligible for the Donation of Land Act. “This act provided settlers with six hundred and forty acres of land to a man and wife who would agree to stay there and help to settle the new Territory” (Yalom 228). Back in those days, often bride and groom barely knew each other and the women truly were “mail-order brides.”
I think it is ridiculous to continue to label foreign brides as “mail-order brides.” In fact, contemporary foreign women have nothing to do with the historically formed circumstances in the United States. We live in the twenty-first century, and the mail-order bride concept is quickly becoming an acceptable, even fashionable way of meeting someone. It is nonsense when people call a relationship between a man from the United States and a woman from Australia an “international relationship,” but a relationship between the same man, and a woman from Russia has the stigmatizing label of “mail-order bride.” I think those words tend to leave a nasty taste in the mouth. I know many Russian women who went through the process of marrying a foreigner. There is nothing wrong with them; they are not doing anything different than women that place ads in your local newspaper or on line dating services. Those women are educated, intelligent, and smart, and they seek an equal partnership.
An article published in the feminists journal Breakthrough by Judith Mirkinson titled, “Red Light, Green Light: The Global Trafficking of Women” describes mail-order brides as submissive slaves, “ The buyers are most often older white men who are looking for women as servants and sex partners. They have bought the message that [women from traditional cultures] are passive and anxious to please.” In addition, the United States Immigration and Naturalization Service concludes: “ The foreign woman is happy to be the homemaker and asks for nothing more than husband, home and family” (McClelland). All these empty comments have no supporting evidence. A man, who prefers a submissive wife to follow his orders without questions, will be unfortunate even in remote Russian province. It is a misconception to consider that Russian women are submissive and demure stay at home wives. I grew up in Russia and none of my female friends met these criteria. For example, one of my friends is a pediatrician, another has her own real estate company, and another is a full time mother. They are warm, gentle, and intelligent women who realize their life opportunities. Although, Russian women seem submissive to outsiders, they are not. They are just feminine and able to control with out diminishing men's significance.
Often the media accuses Russian women in simulated marriages just to escape from their unstable country. The interpretation the media gives is that a Russian woman will marry any man, of any age, occupation and personal virtues, just to pursue the American capitalist dream or “at least that option can be a ticket straight to the wallet of American men” (Mirkinson). I disagree with Judith Mirkinson’s position. She is wrongfully accusing Russian women that they only want a way out of their misery and terrible economic situation. I can say with confidence this is not the case for the most Russian women. From my own experience I know that life in the United States is not easier then in Russia, it is merely different. Moreover, it is a delusion to think that Russian women change their accustomed lives for a mysterious dream in a country that they have never been before. By comparison, the new country is like when you see a butterfly flutter from flower to flower, you stay still and admire the beauty of the color and grace. You might feel a necessity to posses this beauty, but when you catch the butterfly, and look at her closer, you could be disappointed. The beautiful creature has long disgusting body, goggle-eyed head and hairy spider-legs. You would probably irritatingly sweep her off your hand. I think, it is arrogant to accuse Russian women in seeking men from rich countries like America.
There is an old saying: “Do not throw away the baby with the bath water” and do not judge the phenomena by some journalist’s story that does not possess complete information. Often the same common misconceptions and myths affect them. I went through the process of marrying a foreigner myself and I do not deserve to be called “mail order bride” and carry the humiliating stigma, and I was not seeking a foreign man just to escape from Russia. It was the story of two people from different countries meeting each other and falling in love.
Irina Hammack, USA